If you’re single and ready to mingle (marry), check out this handy catalogue.

By Ashima Sethi and Shruti Kothari

Being single is tough. We know because we’re single.

Shruti is constantly asked by The Aunties about her age and birth time while trying to get to the paneer in sangeet buffet lines, and Ashima is sick of holding her own hand during reruns of Kal Ho Na Ho since its release in 2003. So if you’re also on the quest to find love and get hitched, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favourite real-life matrimonial profiles to remind you that sometimes being on your own is your best option.

Well…at least he’s honest.

“Hello my name is Alka, from a nice family and also a good characterised woman. My friends and family say that I’m quite beautiful and even my guru-ji says me that. I have some beauty spots on my body and willing to show everything to a man who steals my heart. I’m looking for a dashing man, who can speak in English and living in a metro. He should be shaving regularly and idly and he should be physically strong.”

You heard her, even her guru-ji says her that.

He needs someone to cure his broken…heart?

“Hello. Good morning. Myself Ridhima and I am looking for a suitable groom who will never call me any pet name. Boy should strictly remember that. He don’t call me pumpkin, honey, sugar, any other sweet name because I am not a dessert and the boy should understand that I know that calling me any pet name means forgetting me and giving me another personality. He should also keep in mind that comparing me with a toy will not be tolerated. He should never call me teddy, kitty, dolly, because I am not going to play with him.”

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…unless you’re Ridhima.

What can we say, mama knows best.

“Hello and Namaste. I am mother of a versatile boy and are looking for a versatile girl for marriage purpose. She should be versatile in kitchen and should be able to make Thai and do part time work from home. But if she wants to go to office, she should be home before her husband to give him warm welcome. She should not have any bad habits like smoking or drinking. She should avoid holding hands in public because our son is very much shy. She should dress decently at home at all times, even when alone with our son. If you are okay. We are okay.”

No, we are not okay. Are you?

We’re confused.

“We are London’s sophisticated family, looking for an adjusting bride for our only son. The girl should be willing to sever all ties with her past. She should be devoted to her new family. She should be willing to change her name, along with her surname. Any trace of previous identity will not be encouraged. Being a modern family with a positive outlook, we believe you should look at the future. If you are interested, and are a girl with a similar outlook, please send your photo, along with two xeroxed copies of your graduation certificate.”

Calling all criminals!

Better decide fast, the clock is ticking on this one.

“Effluent, High status Panhkula family seeks alliance for their tall, very Beautiful, Fair, Sincere, Cultured, Homely, Goyal daughter, MA Psychology (Punjab University). Boy should be well educated, well settled status business or industrialist. Please sent bio-data and photo.”

Just F.Y.I, effluent means sewage.