The Sassy Side of Sixty: Mothers

By: Dolly Koghar

When we became bio-mums, we experienced firsthand our mothers' nine months of discomfort with a disproportioned body and out-of-whack hormones, ending with that excruciating pain to bring us into this world. Ever after, the one title that would overshadow all other titles, however prestigious, would be that of 'mum,' despite the years she went through agonising about whether or not she was doing things right or anywhere near enough for us. So, here we are, Gen X and Baby Boomers mas, reminiscing about our own mamas' parenting, and sharing the apprehension we had of our own offspring troubling us as much as we did our own mums. But we also recognise the wisdom in this anonymous quote that goes, "Giving grace to yourself is never more important than when you become a mother."

• "Mother was authoritarian, and dad was super chilled. I see her through the cracks in my parenting, but also in the love I give. However, while allowing my children the space and logical clarifications they demand, I encourage them to express emotions and am open to discussions including on taboo issues."
• "She remained who I saw from my earliest days, raising her four children in harsh circumstances. Today, my son, too, sees me for who I am, but isn't as naughty as I was!"
• "Mum's health didn't allow her to spend long periods with us, but she was caring and supportive."
• "Grandmum's strict and overprotective upbringing won me well-behaved girl awards, but I changed that parenting style with my own girls."
• "Mum did her best, not knowing any better. I'd been a good girl, but I had fun encouraging my kids, and now my grandkids, to be naughty."
• "Given the circumstances, I saw the sacrifices she made, although she shouldn't have gotten me engaged so early. I was scared I wouldn't be a good mum, but luckily, my kids are saints."
• "I understood, then, that mother's hearts beat for their children. Although it's like telling water not to be wet, mums will always worry about what kids do, and with whom. However, I'm letting my boys learn from their own mistakes, as much as I'm learning from them."
• "Mum was fun; she sang, played, and told us stories; cooked our favourite dishes; and loved us girls and boys equally and didn't shout or hit, not even to the one child that was difficult. Sadly, circumstances didn't permit my kids the easy and relaxed childhood I had."
• "When I became a mother, I saw the different facets of motherhood: the profound love; the overwhelming desire to protect emotionally and physically, while maintaining an open and supportive relationship; the desire to instil a religious foundation and provide opportunities for education. I was anxious my kids might be rebellious like I was."
• "I quarrelled with mum 'cause I thought she never understood me and loved others more; but I guess she knew which child needed more attention."
• "I understood why she was the way she was. If only I could go back in time to give my father a 'thank you' hug for doing so much. On my part, I nervously expected my kids to do their fair share of being kids and teens!"
• "I took it for granted that I would remain the centre of my children's lives; but what folly. I guess what goes around, comes around. At my age, my mum must have felt as lonely and redundant, dealing with 'hurt' and 'rejection,' as I do."
• "Mum brought me up like a fragile vase on a bumpy ride; a balloon in a room of needles. As the only sister of three brothers, I was pampered but given 'tough love;' kept on a watchful and tight leash; the hand that lifted me when I fell, also forced me to stay in line. She was strict, but fair; strong willed with a soft heart. I emulate her in my parenting, and am unable to let go of her harsher norms. My kids are as obedient as I was."
• "As a first-time parent, I was in a state of unreal euphoria and found any external opinion and suggestion annoying, but soon realised that "it takes a village to raise a child." My mother's infuriating tirade of words during my childhood soon translated to profound perception. I'd hoped to be a 'cool' mum with an open relationship with my kids, but funnily enough, I've often caught them sneaking out behind my back!"