Should boys be boys and girls be girls?

By: Amornrat Sidhu

The moment I knew I was expecting, I started concocting plans on how I was going to raise my child. Oh, it didn’t matter if my child was a boy or a girl. My parenting techniques were not going to change according to gender or sex – or so I thought.

We are witnessing more equal parenting between partners within our community, more proportionate representation of female storybook and cartoon characters, and both male and female characters taking on feminine and masculine roles, despite their assigned gender (i.e. female policewomen and male nurses). Do we still vary our parenting techniques, our advice, and our desires based on our children’s gender? Or is it truly equal – in this day and age, would we care if a son wants to paint his nails, and his sister wants to fix a car?

Having talked to parents in the community, the consensus seems to be that each parent has to assess aspects of their own environment, their stance on ‘gender,’ and their own beliefs. This often results in a deep reflection of their own childhood and existing knowledge, and to accept responsibility to provide the right environment for their child once they’ve confirmed their own position.

Here are some personal insights from community members:

ZAHRA PATEL

Teacher, Mother of Two

Philosophy:

My kids see their dad and their mum switch roles frequently between them. We don’t differentiate between gender much in our home because we know our kids’ school does – and we are happy that they do.

In fact, because of “new-age parenting,” when my son came home and said that he doesn’t like pink because it’s a ‘girly’ colour, my immediate question was, “who said?” Yet, in my opinion, if we want our kids to have certain values and traits, we must provide an environment for them to embody and exhibit it. “New-age” parenting enthusiasts can sometimes make you feel guilty for it.

Thus, if I want to raise my boy into a man, not necessarily a man’s man, but a man, then, yes, when he is under the age of five, certain distinctions are necessary. If he keeps wearing pink and people keep telling him he’s soft or feminine, he will eventually believe it, especially if he is told this during his formative years. Therefore, if I don’t want him to be soft, then for that window, I need to put in boundaries to help distinguish between being a boy and a girl. Outside that window, once he is older and becomes an adult, then he can set his own boundaries.

Differences in Parenting a Boy and a Girl:

More or less, I want my son and daughter to have similar skills and be able to take care of themselves. For example, I want my son to be able to do traditionally ‘masculine’ tasks like change a tire, nail a picture into the wall, etc. However, I want my daughter to be able to do these tasks as well. The differences are:

1. The ways in which I get them to master a skill or complete a task differ. I might have to put in more creativity and effort to convince my son to learn a skill, compared to my daughter who might just naturally approach the task with curiosity or zest. From an outsider’s perspective, it might seem that I am putting more effort in parenting my son or leaving the boring tasks to my daughter, but it is more about catering to their individual styles, which sometimes I think is rooted in their biological make-up, and by extension, gender differences.

2. I battle with striking a balance between male chivalry and feminism. I want my son to have the courtesy of carrying something heavy for his sister, whilst knowing she can also carry it. I want my daughter to be able to lift something heavy herself, but also look for that chivalry in, let’s say, a possible partner. Because this is what I want, I have to use phrases like, “but you should be a gentleman.” But I also expect answers based on gender that question this, and I’m prepared to answer those, too.

NEESHA BAJAJ

Teacher, Mother of One

Philosophy:

All of parenting is about trying to model the behaviors you think are important by reflecting on what was lacking in your own childhood. Just be true to yourself. Your child will see that you are being authentic and, therefore, will feel comfortable in expressing themselves as well.

Making a Conscious Decision to Raise Kids Differently

Expressing emotion is a human right – regardless of gender, race, or any other identifying factor. As a boy mom and as a teacher, I think everyone should express, emote and share their feelings. Growing up, gender was absolutely a defining feature of how one should express emotions. We are a family of three sisters and through watching my cousins, I could see the different expectations placed on boys and girls to cry or react. In the past, my dad also was not so open to emotions; he felt that it made him vulnerable. He has changed with time.

Thus, I consciously encourage my son to identify his feelings, talk about them, and express them. If he wants to cry, he is wholeheartedly allowed to. I am trying to normalise this very important area for my son as well as all the boys I teach.

RACHNA SINGHSACHAKUL

Entrepreneur, Mother of Three

Philosophy:

It is crucial to create a supportive and affirming space where children can freely express themselves. By challenging stereotypes, embracing individuality, and promoting inclusivity, we help our children develop into confident individuals who are ready to explore their passions and preferences – regardless of whether they are traditionally characterised as masculine or feminine.

Gender Norms are Manmade and Can Be Changed

Here are three instances where I had the chance to stand by my son’s individual passions and preferences, despite facing external judgments and my own internal conflicts rooted in gender norms:

1. Wearing Pink: When my son was younger, he insisted on wearing pink. I paused. Pink – a colour often confined by gender stereotypes. Then, it hit me: why should a colour define his identity? Encouraging him to flaunt that pink shirt wasn’t just about fashion; it was a bold statement about embracing and celebrating individuality while smashing outdated norms. Seeing him rock pink taught me that real confidence means letting him shine as himself, unapologetically. Embracing pink with him was a small act with a big message: let him shine in his true colours, boldly and joyfully!

2. Having a Kitchen Set: When my son was happily engaged with a kitchen play set, someone remarked that such toys are typically considered for girls. Initially, I felt a mix of surprise and concern about how this comment might affect my son’s enjoyment. However, instead of addressing the remark directly with the person, I focused on my son’s reaction and feelings. I wanted to ensure that he felt supported and valued in his choice of play. So, I affirmed his interest in the kitchen set by expressing my delight in seeing him enjoy himself, without letting societal stereotypes dictate what he should or shouldn’t play with.

3. Using Gender-Neutral Terminology: Using gender-neutral language has been instrumental in strengthening my bond with my children. For instance, instead of labelling activities or objects as “for boys” or “for girls,” I’ve adopted phrases like “for kids” or “for everyone.” This shift encourages inclusivity and allows my children to feel that their interests and choices are valid regardless of gender. It also promotes open discussions about why certain things are traditionally associated with specific genders, helping my children develop critical thinking skills and empathy towards others who may face similar challenges.